It's been just over a year now since I've been diagnosed with COPD stage 4 and on O2 24/7. I know better because I'm on this site a lot and read up on this crap a lot as well. But like now, all I want to do is break stuff, yell, and try and run from it. I'm so dam mad, just pissed off past the point of, you know. I have a lot to live for but sometimes I say I don't even care, what difference does it make. All I do is slow everyone else down. I'm good at giving advice but I can't give it to myself for some reason. I get mad at the ones that help me the most, well I don't because I hold it in. I know they are trying but I don't want to hurt their feelings. I feel like I'm slipping and going to fly off the handle. I've never been to so many doctors in my life or taken so many meds in my life. I'm just plain sick of it, so what am I doing, sitting in the garage because I came out here to break stuff to get my frustrations out but instead I'm writing this and smoking a cigarette for the first time in over a year because I don't care anymore even though I do. Now I have an open pack and that scares me. Yea I know what people are going to tell me.... Take your frustrations out on a punching bag or work them out at the gym or Rehab. It's not the same as watching something break. Throw the smokes out, why? If this happens again I won't have to buy another pack, I good for a 19th nervous breakdown. Stupid, but this helps. I shouldn't post this but I have to, I'm reaching out, I hope you all ain't mad at me but I have never been perfect and never will be. Thank you for listening on this fine Sunday morning. Temperature 65F but feels like 90 sitting in the sun. I only smoked half of that darn thing, tastes like you know what.